Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
