I hope my margaritas pass through security.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
