he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize