I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
