I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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