the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just pee around me
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Randomize
