Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
