i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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