Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
