Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
being pregnant is like rehab
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
