It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
