You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
