Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
