yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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