If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
