I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
