She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
True strength comes from lack of pants
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
