living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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