It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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