Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
