I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
