I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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