I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
