:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
