Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
