Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
