Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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