he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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