Your face is a jimmy john
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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