i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
this is an emotional support booty call
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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