Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
