my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
