My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
