true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
