Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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