I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
that's an acceptable place to lick
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
