So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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