Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
