I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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