She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
