the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
