if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
