If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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