Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
