Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
