Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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