The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
