Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
