non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
