if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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