he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
