I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
