honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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