They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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