its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
