Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
