You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Randomize
