i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
